A Good Joke Leads To A Horror Movie

I was told this joke years ago, I'm thinking it was probably around the time I was 13 or 14:

Little Johnny is at the store with his mom. She goes into the dressing room to try some clothes on. When she comes out, she sees little Johnny looking up the dress of a manequin. She says "Little Johnny, don't ever look up there, or touch a woman up there"

"Why not mama?" He asks.

"Cause women have teeth up there"


So years pass and nobody ever tells him the truth. Well, once he turns 16, little Johnny gets himself a girlfriend. There's on the couch one night kissing and the girls says "Do you want me to take my shirt off?"

Little Johnny says "Yes"

Do you want me to take my pants off?

"Yes"

"Do you want to touch me down there"

"oh NO" Little Johnny says.

"Why not?" his Girlfriend asks.

"Cause you got teeth down there"

"Don't be silly, I don't have any teeth down there, see?" and she spreads her legs.

"Well no wonder you don't, they musta fell out, look how nasty your gums are!"



Yes, it's juvenile and crude, but it's good for a laugh from someone who has never heard it before. Well, apparently, someone in Hollywood decided it would make the perfect premise for a movie. But not just ANY movie mind you, but a horror movie.

When I first heard about the movie Teeth I thought "You have got to be kidding me". I spoke to a few of my friends about it, and they all reached the same consensus, it sounds to deliciously horrible to pass up (needless to say, the girlfriend has decided, under threat of SWMBO Veto Power to avoid me renting this movie for us to watch together). However, I've thought more about this movie, and I must say, perhaps it will make quite the effective horror movie. Now follow me on this.

Modern horror movies are in a state of disrepair. Thrills and dread have given way to simply gratuitious "Torture-Porn" flicks. Yea, I'm looking at you "Saw", and you "Hostel". I happen to like my horror creepy, but not over-the-top violent necessarily (unless it fits the plot). I prefer a feeling of inescapable dread as opposed to "what body part can one person remove from another". You can argue with me all you want, but Jason Voorhees would totally make Jigsaw his bitch.

So perhaps this movie is a horror movie specifically that specifically caters to men. After all, it's no big secret (or any-other-sized secret) that from the age of 13 - 80, men are obsessed with the Golden Treasure between a woman's thighs. It dominates our thoughts as well as our actions. Lets face it, were it not to for what lies between their legs, most men would still bit sitting around the cave fire, unshaven, drinking beer, and smoking cave-cigars. Evolution would have ceased after the development of three things:

1) Alchohol
2) The Hemi V8
3) Football

So perhaps this movie seeks to psychologically terrify all men. What if the Ultimate Goal, the Thing We Want The Most, were also the thing that could kill us (GhonnaHerpaSyphillAids notwithstanding of course.....damn that hooker, she promised me she was clean).

The reality however, is that like most half-baked horror movie premises, I'm really not expecting much above a Grade C Cheescake Exploitation Fest....and you know what, that's really find with me, I'll still rent it and watch it....just have to distract the g/f for a few hours.