Now You're....Eating Breakfast With Power?

OK, I'll fully admit it, in my younger days, I was quite the geek. Nowhere near the smooth player I am today. When I was 14, my life consisted solely of Nintendo and Friday After Dark on Cinemax. I was about 50 pounds overweight, so that precluded me actually being with a woman. I didn't have much interest in sports, so going to High School Basketball Games an exercise in tedium, and all of my friends lived on the opposite side of town, out of range of what my parents considered "acceptable bike riding distance", so I had Nintendo and Cable-Pseudo-Porn to keep me happy.

Whereas Cinemax was strictly relegated to late Friday nights, Nintendo was available 24/7 to keep me interested. And during times when I couldn't actually play Nintendo, I could read Nintendo Power Magazine, or talk about Nintendo on the phone with my fellow NES Addicts. But despite all of this, I still felt like something was....missing. Sure, lunchtime gave me my NES Fix by leafing through Nintendo Power Magazine with Mike and Matt at the lunch table. Dinner time was family time in my house where we discussed how our days went (and I imagined playing Nintendo when I was done eating dinner)....but there was something missing at Breakfast.

Lo and Behold, the answer was delivered to me one afternoon while watching Captain N: The Game Master (more on this later). During a commercial break, I became aware of a new product on my grocery store shelves that I just had to have. Nintendo CEREAL System. See, it's not just a box of arbitrary shapes with otherworldly colors...this wasn't Fruit Loops, or Captain Crunch, those were just a plain "boxes of cereal", this my friends, was a CEREAL SYSTEM.

There were two different cereals IN ONE BOX. I could choose between Super Mario Brothers or Legend of Zelda cereal. Or, I could really go for broke and enjoy a 10 years early version of Super Smash Brothers by mixing BOTH sides of Nintendo Cereal System in one bowl. It's like "Fun" ceased to be a concept and instead became a woman who looked like a cross between Pamela Anderson and 2001 era Britney Spears. And she showed up at my door in the middle of the night naked....with a Bottle Of Rum, a Papa John's Pizza, and the Die Hard boxed set.

Of course, now that I'm a jaded adult, it's obvious this is nothing more than one more attempt at a corporate cash-in. For those of you who weren't living the NES Lifestyle, but 1989, Nintendo pretty much owned a large percentage of the world (kind of like AOL-TimeWarner does today). I still remember ads in Nintendo Power Magazine for everything from Mario Soap (and really, looking back on it, does slathering your naked body with the liquid from a fat Italian Plumber bother anybody else, or is it just me) to Legend Of Zelda wall-clings. While I was in the full grips of Nintendo Mania, I never had the Mario Sheets....opting instead for Ghostbusters Sheets (complete with glow-in-the-dark Ghostbuster Logos on the pillow cases).

So, on the next trip to the grocery store, I went with my parents. While they seemed at first confused by my desire to go grocery shopping, they soon realized this had nothing to do with "family togetherness" and instead was a means to furthering my agenda. I had to have The Nintendo Cereal System. I waited patiently while we walked down produce aisles (broccoli didn't interest me that much then, and to be honest, it holds even less interest for me today).

After what seemed like forever, finally, the glorious cereal aisle became our target. In the land of cereals, my parents always had a strict "No Sugared Cereal" rule. My bowl was never adorned with the likes of Captain Crunch, or Coco Pebbles in the morning. Corn Flakes took the place of Frosted Flakes, and my mom was convinced that Cookie Crisp (or any "Marshmallowed" cereals) were the work of Satan Himself.

Unable to contain myself, I dashed ahead of my parents as they tried to decide if we needed Cheerios or Rice Krispies (plain....no Coco Krispies dared enter our home) and began my search. Apple Jacks, Alpha-Bits (do they even still make these?). Finally, my young eyes spied a black box that I didn't immediately recognize as one of the cereal aisle regulars. There it was in all of it's sugary glorious splendor. Nintendo Cereal System. Angles shone their light upon me.



I grabbed the box off the shelf and high-tailed it back to my parents’ cart. "Mom, dad, check this out....NINTENDO CEREAL!". They looked at me like I had just drug the body of a dead alien out of the closet. Noticing the pleading look in my eyes, I guess they decided that it was only a matter of time before I could no longer be enslaved by Kix and Corn Flakes, and decided that ONE BOX of a sugary commercial-tie-in cereal couldn't POSSIBLY hurt. "Fine, put it in the cart".

The next morning, I woke up and ran downstairs, eager to enjoy my breakfast treasure. I was sure that just eating this would make me a better video game player. It had to. After all, it was Video Games....FOR BREAKFAST! I would be consuming the very essence of Nintendo. Now I'm eating breakfast with POWER! But first, a decision had to be made, do I enjoy the Mario Side first, or the Zelda Side first? I had no precedent on which to base my decision. Finally, I decided the only way to be fair was to have a small bowl of each.

So I opened Mario Side first. It was advertised as being "fruit" flavored. The shapes were vaguely Mario-esque. I dunked my spoon and took a bite. The chorus of angels began and sing and.....and.....ummmmmm, eh, it was decent enough.

Undaunted, I finished the bowl, and poured myself a bit of the Zelda side. The shapes were vaguely Zelda-esque. Maybe eating the Zelda prepared your body to receive the Holy Blessing Of Video Game Mastery that had to come from consuming Nintendo Cereal. My arms had goose bumps anticipating what was awaiting me. I crunched down. Strange. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that wasn't much difference between the Mario "Fruit" side and the Zelda "Berry" side as far as taste goes.

But nevertheless, I now had a belly fully of sugary Nintendo Goodness. I quickly retreated up to my bedroom and turned on my NES, hoping against hope that my game had improved. I threw a copy of Bionic Commando into my NES, clicked the power button on, and waited for the familiar Capcom logo. I then shut the NES off, removed the game, blew into it's open end, re-inserted it, and was greeted with Capcom's logo.

Alas, no video game magic awaited me. I still sucked at Bionic Commando just as much as I had the night before. Oh well, live and learn I suppose. Over the next year, I was treated to two or three more boxes of Nintendo Cereal System, my game never advanced (though my belt-size did). The taste wasn't horrible, but I'm sure if the box had advertised Popples, or Wuzzles, or any other girlee characters, I would have derided it as tasting crap soaked in crap, but because it was Nintendo, that made it taste better. Damn those marketing people are geniuses.

I Think I Just Had A Moviegasm

I was talking my friend (and fellow movie fanatic) up in Chicago yesterday (come on, do you really think I'm going to spend a beautiful warm sunny Friday afternoon WORKING when I'm at the office?). The subject turned to upcoming movies (as it always does with us) and we've both agreed this summer looks fantastic at the theater. If anyone is looking for me between Memorial Day and Labor Day, chances are good you'll find me at the 13-24 Drive In. I'll be the big dopey guy in the yellow car (bumper sticker: Ask Me About My Overcompensation) with a disproportionately hot young brunette riding shotgun.

Anyway, this blog entry is for my readers, as well as me...it's a rundown on all the goodness that is to come our way this summer.

Iron Man
2 May, 2008



Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
22 May, 2008



You Don't Mess With The Zohan
6 June, 2008



The Incredible Hulk
13 June, 2008



Get Smart
20 June, 2008



Wanted
27 June, 2008



Hancock
2 July, 2008



Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
11 July, 2008



The Dark Knight
18 July, 2008





I will post new updates to other movies that are on the Must See list this summer, but which don't have Official Previews out yet (yea, I'm lookin' at you X-Files 2!), and will also review some of these movies as I see them.

Oh, and if the car is rockin' during intermission at the drive-in, please wait before you knock on my window.

You Vill Haff Comcast Un You Vill LIKE IT!

So recently, Comcast decided to play [i]Cloverfield[/i] monster to Insights Terrified New York Resident in my home town. We first hear about this in December with a letter from Comcast warning us impending doom, but making it sound like it was a great thing they were dropping on us. I double checked the envelope, but apparently they opted to not send a free kitten to every subscriber.

Well, they assured us the transition would be neigh-on-seemless. The invasion was set to begin at midnight this past Sunday (which, I know, is technically Monday....but like the rest of the world, I could 12:00 AM as the Day Ending, the day begins at 12:01 AM....oh, you don't agree? You're probably one of those freaks that celebrated the new millenium on 1/1/01 aren't you).

So I wake up Monday morning, check my E-mail....nothing. I log into the "bus" (my favorite website in the whole world), nothing coming up. Of course, my service is borked.

I unplug the modem, go outside for a cigarette, come back in in, plug the modem back in, and reboot the computer. Nothing. Unsatisfied and crabby (as I usually am on Monday mornings anyway), I unplug the modem again, and shut down my ancient PC.

On my lunch break, I plug everything back in, boot it all back up, and much to my surprise, it works. Hmmmm, maybe our new Comcast Overlords will love me after all.

After work that day, I bring my laptop home with me, and try to connect with it. No dice. I call our new Internet Overlords, but am unable to get through right away. On my 5th attempt, I finally make contact with Their Lordships.

Evil Midnight Blogger: "My second IP isn't working"

Evil Internet Overlords: "It's not?"

EMB: "Nope, was working fine last night, not working today"

EIO: "Well, they are having some issues in your area, it should be fine by tomorrow"

Satiated, I hang up the phone. Tuesday comes and goes, but I have more important things to do rather than check my work E-mail that night (that belly-button lint isn't going to pick itself you know).

Wednesday afternoon, I decide to work from home, I take my laptop home, hook it up, and....nothing....no connection for me. I call Comcast back, and am now told by a different Phone Voice that Comcast does not offer the ability to purchase a second IP Address, and that if I want to run two computers at home and have them both tapped in to Comcasts Orgasmically Wonderful Internet Service, I have to go buy a router.

When I mention that I'm paying for an additional IP, The Phone Voice offers to connect me with Billing. She hits a few button on her phone, tells me they will be right with me, and promptly disconnects my call. So now, I have to call them BACK, and argue with Billing. I can just see how well THAT fight is going to go.

Then, I have to go buy a Router (no big deal for sure, but I can think of better ways to spent $50 then on a piece of equipment for my network to make it operate the exact same way it did LAST WEEK. If I'm droppin' that kinda scratch, I want something to work better.

But at least I'll once again be able to "work from home" (which means monitoring my work E-mail while I surf porn sites and play WoW all afternoon)

A Good Joke Leads To A Horror Movie

I was told this joke years ago, I'm thinking it was probably around the time I was 13 or 14:

Little Johnny is at the store with his mom. She goes into the dressing room to try some clothes on. When she comes out, she sees little Johnny looking up the dress of a manequin. She says "Little Johnny, don't ever look up there, or touch a woman up there"

"Why not mama?" He asks.

"Cause women have teeth up there"


So years pass and nobody ever tells him the truth. Well, once he turns 16, little Johnny gets himself a girlfriend. There's on the couch one night kissing and the girls says "Do you want me to take my shirt off?"

Little Johnny says "Yes"

Do you want me to take my pants off?

"Yes"

"Do you want to touch me down there"

"oh NO" Little Johnny says.

"Why not?" his Girlfriend asks.

"Cause you got teeth down there"

"Don't be silly, I don't have any teeth down there, see?" and she spreads her legs.

"Well no wonder you don't, they musta fell out, look how nasty your gums are!"



Yes, it's juvenile and crude, but it's good for a laugh from someone who has never heard it before. Well, apparently, someone in Hollywood decided it would make the perfect premise for a movie. But not just ANY movie mind you, but a horror movie.

When I first heard about the movie Teeth I thought "You have got to be kidding me". I spoke to a few of my friends about it, and they all reached the same consensus, it sounds to deliciously horrible to pass up (needless to say, the girlfriend has decided, under threat of SWMBO Veto Power to avoid me renting this movie for us to watch together). However, I've thought more about this movie, and I must say, perhaps it will make quite the effective horror movie. Now follow me on this.

Modern horror movies are in a state of disrepair. Thrills and dread have given way to simply gratuitious "Torture-Porn" flicks. Yea, I'm looking at you "Saw", and you "Hostel". I happen to like my horror creepy, but not over-the-top violent necessarily (unless it fits the plot). I prefer a feeling of inescapable dread as opposed to "what body part can one person remove from another". You can argue with me all you want, but Jason Voorhees would totally make Jigsaw his bitch.

So perhaps this movie is a horror movie specifically that specifically caters to men. After all, it's no big secret (or any-other-sized secret) that from the age of 13 - 80, men are obsessed with the Golden Treasure between a woman's thighs. It dominates our thoughts as well as our actions. Lets face it, were it not to for what lies between their legs, most men would still bit sitting around the cave fire, unshaven, drinking beer, and smoking cave-cigars. Evolution would have ceased after the development of three things:

1) Alchohol
2) The Hemi V8
3) Football

So perhaps this movie seeks to psychologically terrify all men. What if the Ultimate Goal, the Thing We Want The Most, were also the thing that could kill us (GhonnaHerpaSyphillAids notwithstanding of course.....damn that hooker, she promised me she was clean).

The reality however, is that like most half-baked horror movie premises, I'm really not expecting much above a Grade C Cheescake Exploitation Fest....and you know what, that's really find with me, I'll still rent it and watch it....just have to distract the g/f for a few hours.