Go see this movie. Seriously. I'll wait.
Are you back? Good...let's discuss. I have a strange relationship with Indy movies. I was too young to appreciate Raiders Of The Lost Ark and Temple Of Doom when they came out, and while I thought Last Crusade was great, it was overshadowed that summer, for me, by the first Batman and the second Ghostbusters movies.
It's only been in my adulthood that I have gained an appreciation for the brilliance of the Indiana Jones movies...or at least, the first and third movies. I never have been a huge fan of Temple Of Doom, and I can't figure out why. I've watched it several time, but I'll be damned if I can tell you what it's about. Something about glowing rocks, child slaves, and Thugee Guards.
I approached Crystal Skull with a measure of trepidation. On the one hand, it was Indy, back in the theatres. On the other hand, I'm full aware of how most people view the new movies of long-established series'. The first 3 Star Wars episodes were universally panned by most fan-nerds...and there is no rage quite like Nerd Rage. Personally, I liked the Star Wars Episodes I, II, and III; though not as much as IV, V, and VI. But unlike the fan-nerds, I don't call for George Lucas's head on a pike for this, and instead just believe that the difference in my level of enjoyment is the fact that when full Star Wars Mania hit, I was a child. My head wasn't swimming with mortgage payments, car payments, and trying to figure out how to get in a girls pants. The biggest stressor in my life when Return Of The Jedi came out was what cool ships and action figures from the movie did I was to spend my allowance on, and which ones were I going to have to beg beg BEG Santa Claus to bring me at Christmas.
Having learned my Star Wars lesson, I approached Indy IV with the mindset and there were only a handful of things I wanted from this movie to feel completely satisfied.
1) I wanted to see Harrison Ford get his ass kicked. Indiana Jones is all about action, but where James Bond is able to deliver his ass kicking in a tux with nary a scratch on him when it's over, George Lucas and Stephen Spielberg take great delight in kicking the crap out of Harrison Ford's character. He's very human, sometimes he mis-judges pits that need jumped over, and the bad guys are on the same fighting level as himself. In other words, he gets his ass kicked.
2) I wanted fun bad guys. One of the things that made Raiders and Crusade great were the Nazi's. Everybody know who Nazi's are, they are the universal "evil" in the last 20 years. Temple Of Doom replaced Nazi's with....strange Thuggee assassins. Boring. Crystal Skull forgave Nazi's for Communists. That's good enough for me.
3) I wanted a treasure that actually means something. Raiders and Crusade had Indy after religious artifacts of great significance. Temple Of Doom had him going after...some....strange....glowy rock things for some reason. If you really need me to tell you what the MacGuffin is in the new Indiana Jones movie, then forget it, I'm not going to tell you. You're obviously a crash helmet wearing jackass who is late for dinner at the group home.
4) Snakes. Indiana Jones, in all of his human-ness, hates snakes. They are his kryptonite. Luckily for us, Lucas and Spielberg gave ample opportunity in Raiders and Crusade to have Indy get into situations where had to face his fears with steely jawed bravado. Temple Of Doom had him in a corridor filled with giant insects. Insects don't scare Indiana Jones, so how was that impressive? So I want snakes in Indy 4.
OK, now that I've given you a primer on my opinions of the Indiana Jones Franchise, I suppose I should give you the high and low points of the movie. I'll try to not post any spoilers, but at this point, if you gave a damn about this movie, you'd have already seen it.
Overall, I liked this movie, which is good. Movies fall into two catagories for me:
Movies I want to like, and do like: Independence Day, Christine, Ghostbusters, The Departed
Movies I want to like, but don't like: The Hulk (2003), The Saw franchise, Resident Evil
Anyway...I'm rambling again....as I said, overall, I enjoyed this movie. It was made better by the fact that SWMBO and I saw it at the Drive-In on a warm clear late spring night (everything is better at the Drive-In).
The movie takes place 19 years after The Last Crusade (which came out 19 years ago....go figure) and as such, Indy has aged (quite well as I've heard some women comment). The plot involves some Russians who kidnap Indy and force him to find some Crystal Skull which can help them....well, lets just say it can help them be even more evil and Communistic (in much the same way the Ark Of The Covenant was supposed to help the Nazi's become more...ummm...Naziistic?).
Within the first 30 minutes, we have a car chase inside of a warehouse, multiple vehicle pile-ups, Indy getting his ass kicked, Indy kicking ass, swinging from light fixtures, getting shot at, and a Nuclear Explosion.
So the action winds down (for right now) and I go get some Popcorn and a Bladder Buster of Coke. I get back and people are still talking on screen. The Lost City Of Gold (el Dorado) is mentioned; which makes for the second reference to el Dorado in 6 months at the movies (the wonderful National Treasure II).
Another chase breaks out, this time on a motorcycle, which is a lot of fun. One liners fly just as quickly as the cars are moving. Damn I'm loving this movie so far.
Soon, Indy is kidnapped again....blah blah blah...Soviet's Dancing in the middle of a forest....oh, wait, there's the Crystal Skull....that looks like an....OOOOOOOh, THAT'S what Mark meant about this movie that he didn't like.
OK, so I'm kind of disappointed at that, but so far I'm scoring this movie as a solid 95% on my "How Glad Am I To See This" scale....which means it's doing VERY well.
I can't really give away much more of the plot (it's my blog, I'll change direction mid-stream if I damn well please....go read another blog if you don't like it).
Needless to say, there are several more big action sequences, large man-eating Ant's (as a bug-a-phobe, I could have done without that) and a few more stunts that made SWMBO yell "Oh come ON...that's IMPOSSIBLE!" at the screen.
Overall, a highly satisfying night at the movies, all things Indy were there.
That's the good....but being a fair reviewer, I do have some "bad".
1) I don't recall him every really being referred to as Indiana Jones in this movie, save for maybe once or twice.
2) Not enough references to snakes. In fact, there was only one snake scene that I can remember...but co-star Shia Lebou...Labu...Leb....the geeky kid from Transformers, freaked out a bit at Scorpions, so that set up for what is possibly his fear (and yes I'm going on record right now as saying that I hope to see his character in any upcoming Indy films).
So like I said, my complaints were few, and my enjoyment was huge (seriously...the Quicksand and Jungle Chase scenes themselves are cause enough for my $7 tickets to be considered the bargain of the century), so go see this movie. Right now.
So far this summer, we're 2-0 with our record (Iron Man being the other winner of the season).
Two weeks from now, we're up for a two-some with Kung-Fu Panda and You Don't Mess With The Zohan.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Unsophisticated Gourmet
I realize this is a rather stupid statement to make, but I don't have any other clever ways of opening this blog entry up, so I'm just gonna say it. I like food. I like food a lot. I'm far from being a "gourmet", but I know what I like. I love good Italian Food (and no, Fazoli's is not good Italian Food) and about the only chain I think of to get the good stuff would be Carraba's down in Carmel…oh curse you Tagliarini Picchi Pacchiu with your wood-fried shrimp and the artery-clogging-goodness of your side dish of warm Italian Bread with seasoned olive oil dipping sauce.
In addition to Italian Food, I'm also a huge fan of Mongolian BBQ Style cooking. BD's Mongolian BBQ and Flat-top Grill are two favorites that come to mind. I love the diversity there, you can pretty much get anything you want, any style of food you can possibly imagine. It's like Disneyland for Fat People.
But every now and then, I get a craving for something that a $25 plate of Sirloin Marsala, a side order of grilled Bruschette, and a glass of sweet red wine just can't satisfy. This is when the unsophisticated pallet kicks into high gear and the only thing that will make me happy is "Dirty Food" that most people wouldn't touch in a million years.
My favorite place to eat breakfast is a small hole-in-the-wall bar that sits in the shadow of the old Delco Electronics Plant-1 Admin Building called "Stella's Lounge". During the week, when I have a day off, I usually start it there, and start it with a plate full of greasy goodness. A sausage patty as thick as any hamburger you can get, scrambled eggs, and highly processed American Cheese sandwiched in between two buttered slices of Whole Wheat Toast. Not being satisfied with this, and figuring "If I'm gonna die from a heart attack damn it, I at least want to go happy" I also buy a companion for my greasy sloppy breakfast sandwich…and the companion is a monster portion of crispy hashbrowns drowned out in Stella's home-made white gravy. Pay no attention to the congealed grease cooling on the edge of the plate, it's there for decoration. Speaking of decoration, no trip to Stella's for breakfast would be complete without the bar-maiden who serves it up to me. You all know the type too…omnipresent cigarette in her mouth, tattoo on her left sweater-kitten, and the inability to refrain from calling every guy in the bar "Sweetie" or "Hun". The Big-Screen TV is always tuned to The Weather Channel, and the usual cast of characters is sitting around the bar chain smoking, getting drunk at 8 a.m., telling dirty jokes, and arguing plot lines from 20 year old episodes of Magnum PI…..it's just like Thanksgiving at Mom's House!
Once I get home, and throw my clothes in the washing machine (mandatory unless you want to walk around smelling like a bar all day), my day is perfect, my belly is happy, and my cholesterol is spiking. Life is good.
Occasionally though, I get the "dirty food" feeling at times other than breakfast. I used to be able to satiate this with a trip to Hardee's and their Gastrointestinal Weapon Of Mass Destruction known as the Philly Cheese Steak Thickburger. If this burger were an abusive spouse and gave me a black eye, I love it so much that I'd just tell my friends "I'm clumsy and ran into a door, it was my fault, she really does love me, I just make her angry sometimes". You start with a 1/3 pound angus burger patty, then on top of that was melted cheese, shredded steak (yes, that's right…actual steak on top of a hamburger), onions, green-peppers, and mushrooms, and another layer of cheese, all in between a thick burger-bun. Whoever said you can't buy love obviously never took $6.95 to the Hardee's Drive-Thru.
MMMmmm, now that IS a Tasty Burger!
However, Hardee's decided that they had to stop selling this burger (which is good because I was starting to write letters to them demanding they re-name it "The Philly Cheese Steak Crack-Burger"), so I was left with a dirty-food void in my life.
However, one sunny Sunday afternoon, I stopped by the Circle-K Gas Station down the street from my church to buy a Coke, and was greeted with a most wonderful aroma. What delicious food was causing my brain to explode into stomach-growling fireworks? I quickly scanned the gas station, and there, on top of the roller-grill, I fell in lust with the Mistress Of The Gas Station. The Queen-Hooker of all Dirty-Foods. The Jalapeño Cheddar Dog! Impossible! It's a hot dog (hot dogs are a great staple of the Dirty-Food lifestyle), stuffed with diced Jalapeño Peppers, and little chunks of melted Cheddar Cheese.
Where the Good Stuff lives
Unable to stop myself, I purchased one, fully expecting to be disappointed. There is no way in the world that this will taste anywhere near as good as it sounds. I got home, carefully unwrapped my prize, and cautiously bit into it. Wow! It was like the hot dog declared a Jihad in my mouth and my taste-buds were the Infidel! My tongue burned, my eyes watered, and my heart packed it's bags and walked out the door (Dear Greg: You are an insensitive bastard. You don't care about me. All you do is hurt me, and I can't be in this relationship anymore. I'm off to find someone who isn't going pack me with Processed Meat-Grease. I hope you burn in hell. Love, Your Heart).
Behold the Glory!
From that day, the Jalapeño Cheddar Dog because a staple in my diet. However, as time went on, I began to realize that I needed to change my eating habits. I looked at a picture a friend of mine had taken at a car show where I was standing next to a car. As I looked at that picture, I began to realize that there was no way in the world I could ever be a Duke, because I wasn't going to be able to stuff my Krispy Kreme Laden Ass through the window of any car. So then and there I decided to change my gluttonous ways.
However, being Greg, which means I'm no saint, I still enjoy the occasional trip to Stella's Lounge, and the occasional Jalapeño Cheddar-Dog, but I have cut these items down to once every 2 or 3 months. For the most part, my dietary staples are now Slim Fast Shakes, Lite English Muffins, and Lean Cuisine Frozen Panini. While I may not always like my limited diet choices, the 170 pounds I've lost makes missing my favorite greasy loved-ones all the more bittersweet.
In Memorial: My Disgusting Fatness. 1974 - 2007
In addition to Italian Food, I'm also a huge fan of Mongolian BBQ Style cooking. BD's Mongolian BBQ and Flat-top Grill are two favorites that come to mind. I love the diversity there, you can pretty much get anything you want, any style of food you can possibly imagine. It's like Disneyland for Fat People.
But every now and then, I get a craving for something that a $25 plate of Sirloin Marsala, a side order of grilled Bruschette, and a glass of sweet red wine just can't satisfy. This is when the unsophisticated pallet kicks into high gear and the only thing that will make me happy is "Dirty Food" that most people wouldn't touch in a million years.
My favorite place to eat breakfast is a small hole-in-the-wall bar that sits in the shadow of the old Delco Electronics Plant-1 Admin Building called "Stella's Lounge". During the week, when I have a day off, I usually start it there, and start it with a plate full of greasy goodness. A sausage patty as thick as any hamburger you can get, scrambled eggs, and highly processed American Cheese sandwiched in between two buttered slices of Whole Wheat Toast. Not being satisfied with this, and figuring "If I'm gonna die from a heart attack damn it, I at least want to go happy" I also buy a companion for my greasy sloppy breakfast sandwich…and the companion is a monster portion of crispy hashbrowns drowned out in Stella's home-made white gravy. Pay no attention to the congealed grease cooling on the edge of the plate, it's there for decoration. Speaking of decoration, no trip to Stella's for breakfast would be complete without the bar-maiden who serves it up to me. You all know the type too…omnipresent cigarette in her mouth, tattoo on her left sweater-kitten, and the inability to refrain from calling every guy in the bar "Sweetie" or "Hun". The Big-Screen TV is always tuned to The Weather Channel, and the usual cast of characters is sitting around the bar chain smoking, getting drunk at 8 a.m., telling dirty jokes, and arguing plot lines from 20 year old episodes of Magnum PI…..it's just like Thanksgiving at Mom's House!
Once I get home, and throw my clothes in the washing machine (mandatory unless you want to walk around smelling like a bar all day), my day is perfect, my belly is happy, and my cholesterol is spiking. Life is good.
Occasionally though, I get the "dirty food" feeling at times other than breakfast. I used to be able to satiate this with a trip to Hardee's and their Gastrointestinal Weapon Of Mass Destruction known as the Philly Cheese Steak Thickburger. If this burger were an abusive spouse and gave me a black eye, I love it so much that I'd just tell my friends "I'm clumsy and ran into a door, it was my fault, she really does love me, I just make her angry sometimes". You start with a 1/3 pound angus burger patty, then on top of that was melted cheese, shredded steak (yes, that's right…actual steak on top of a hamburger), onions, green-peppers, and mushrooms, and another layer of cheese, all in between a thick burger-bun. Whoever said you can't buy love obviously never took $6.95 to the Hardee's Drive-Thru.
MMMmmm, now that IS a Tasty Burger!
However, Hardee's decided that they had to stop selling this burger (which is good because I was starting to write letters to them demanding they re-name it "The Philly Cheese Steak Crack-Burger"), so I was left with a dirty-food void in my life.
However, one sunny Sunday afternoon, I stopped by the Circle-K Gas Station down the street from my church to buy a Coke, and was greeted with a most wonderful aroma. What delicious food was causing my brain to explode into stomach-growling fireworks? I quickly scanned the gas station, and there, on top of the roller-grill, I fell in lust with the Mistress Of The Gas Station. The Queen-Hooker of all Dirty-Foods. The Jalapeño Cheddar Dog! Impossible! It's a hot dog (hot dogs are a great staple of the Dirty-Food lifestyle), stuffed with diced Jalapeño Peppers, and little chunks of melted Cheddar Cheese.
Where the Good Stuff lives
Unable to stop myself, I purchased one, fully expecting to be disappointed. There is no way in the world that this will taste anywhere near as good as it sounds. I got home, carefully unwrapped my prize, and cautiously bit into it. Wow! It was like the hot dog declared a Jihad in my mouth and my taste-buds were the Infidel! My tongue burned, my eyes watered, and my heart packed it's bags and walked out the door (Dear Greg: You are an insensitive bastard. You don't care about me. All you do is hurt me, and I can't be in this relationship anymore. I'm off to find someone who isn't going pack me with Processed Meat-Grease. I hope you burn in hell. Love, Your Heart).
Behold the Glory!
From that day, the Jalapeño Cheddar Dog because a staple in my diet. However, as time went on, I began to realize that I needed to change my eating habits. I looked at a picture a friend of mine had taken at a car show where I was standing next to a car. As I looked at that picture, I began to realize that there was no way in the world I could ever be a Duke, because I wasn't going to be able to stuff my Krispy Kreme Laden Ass through the window of any car. So then and there I decided to change my gluttonous ways.
However, being Greg, which means I'm no saint, I still enjoy the occasional trip to Stella's Lounge, and the occasional Jalapeño Cheddar-Dog, but I have cut these items down to once every 2 or 3 months. For the most part, my dietary staples are now Slim Fast Shakes, Lite English Muffins, and Lean Cuisine Frozen Panini. While I may not always like my limited diet choices, the 170 pounds I've lost makes missing my favorite greasy loved-ones all the more bittersweet.
In Memorial: My Disgusting Fatness. 1974 - 2007
Saturday, May 17, 2008
3 Worst Jobs In TV Advertising
A couple weeks ago, SWMBO and I were watching TV. During the commercial break we started snarking some of the ads (gimme a break, it was raining outside and there wasn't anything else on). We got to talking about the people they hire to star in commercials, and decided that there were three people we would never be on television, no matter how much money they threw at us.
Well ok, fine, I'll be honest, we only identified two, but my OCD will now allow me to compose a list with less than three members. Are you satisfied now? Can I continue? Thank you!
Name: Ms. Ima Nastyho
Affliction: Herpes...the gift that keeps on givin'
Product:: Valtrex
I'm not quite sure why Ms. Nastyho is starring in a commercial for Valtrex. It should be obvious to her that nobody watches commercials...otherwise a 30 second Trojan spot could have saved her a lot of trouble. Of course, she would also not be gainfully employed as The Herpes Girl, and would instead have to spend her days collecting "Friends With Benefits" from the McDonalds Drive-Thru.
Before I'm hunted down with pitchforks from the Feminazi's of the world, maybe she isn't a total ho who stacks club-douches up like pancakes...maybe a previous boyfriend/husband couldn't keep it in his pants and brought something home to her. If that is the case, maybe a 30 second commercial for The Kama Sutra could have helped keep her man from running astray?
Name: Mr. Richard Flacidstein
Affliction: Erectile Dysfunction....can't quite get the li'l soldier to salute
Product:: Viagra/Cialis
Long gone are the days of Presidential Hopeful Bob Dole getting on TV telling all the world that he had trouble getting....little Dole....to salute. Too bad Bill Clinton didn't have the same problem. These days, men are almost proud to go on TV admit that they too just can't quite get the clock to move past 6:30 (think about it).
Maybe I'm a too much of a prideful person, but I just can't see me ever wanting to appear on national TV and tell the whole world that my dick is broken. The Viagra people have even tapped the music catalog of national treasure (and former Gravy Storage Tank) Elvis Presley with the Viva Viagra ad campaign. I cringe every time I hear it. If admitting you have problems with your wedding tackle isn't bad enough, now we have aging baby boomers dancing around their suburban kitchen while a bad Elvis cover wails in the background. I don't think they make a pill that will cure someone of excessive lameness.
Name: Mr. Robert Smallwood
Affliction: Teeny Wanger Syndrome
Product:: Enzyte
These commercials are a double edged sword. On the one hand, the only thing that could be possibly worse than going on TV and admitting that you have ghonnaherpasyphilcrabaids, or going on TV and admitting your manhood is as hard as melted ice cream, would be going on TV and telling the entire world "I Have A Small Dick". There is no excuse for this (other than excessive Caucasianness, which also causes one to be unable to dance, unable to dunk, and insistence that Ray Ramano is a comedy God). With Herpes, you can be given it without knowing....excessive limp-dickedness can be caused by any number of health issues (but is still a comedy goldmine nonetheless), but having a Tiny Pecker is just jaw-droppingly hilarious.
Luckily, the makers of Enzyte decided to have a bit of fun with this, and created Bob, the Microscopic Dick Guy. Now, we don't know a lot about Bob...his job obviously takes him to the orient from time-to-time, and we know that he likes to play golf. Other than that, we know nothing about Bob...however, we do know that Bob is hung like a paper-clip. Not one of those big jumbo paper-clips you find on the top shelf in the office supply cabinet, but a really really SMALL paper-clip.
Then, by some miracle, Bob discovers Enzyte, which grows his Cocktail Wiener into a USDA certified Grade-A chunk of man-meat. Along with his throbbing schlong of manliness, the makers of Enzyte decided to give Bob a grin that should be reserved for walking into a hotel room and finding Carmen Electra, Shakira, and Gwen Stefani naked and covered in Caramel. Where was I? Wait, lemme just savor that image for a second....ok....anyway, yea, Bob's got a big ass grin. Try and keep track of the number of not-quite-subtle Dick references in the commercial.
So remember kids...no matter how crappy your McJob might be, at least you aren't on TV admitting that you're a total ho-bag whose cootchie is a Petrie Dish of STD cultures, or that you missed the train to Boner-ville...or even worse, you're hung ...like...well....a White Guy.
Well ok, fine, I'll be honest, we only identified two, but my OCD will now allow me to compose a list with less than three members. Are you satisfied now? Can I continue? Thank you!
Name: Ms. Ima Nastyho
Affliction: Herpes...the gift that keeps on givin'
Product:: Valtrex
I'm not quite sure why Ms. Nastyho is starring in a commercial for Valtrex. It should be obvious to her that nobody watches commercials...otherwise a 30 second Trojan spot could have saved her a lot of trouble. Of course, she would also not be gainfully employed as The Herpes Girl, and would instead have to spend her days collecting "Friends With Benefits" from the McDonalds Drive-Thru.
Before I'm hunted down with pitchforks from the Feminazi's of the world, maybe she isn't a total ho who stacks club-douches up like pancakes...maybe a previous boyfriend/husband couldn't keep it in his pants and brought something home to her. If that is the case, maybe a 30 second commercial for The Kama Sutra could have helped keep her man from running astray?
Name: Mr. Richard Flacidstein
Affliction: Erectile Dysfunction....can't quite get the li'l soldier to salute
Product:: Viagra/Cialis
Long gone are the days of Presidential Hopeful Bob Dole getting on TV telling all the world that he had trouble getting....little Dole....to salute. Too bad Bill Clinton didn't have the same problem. These days, men are almost proud to go on TV admit that they too just can't quite get the clock to move past 6:30 (think about it).
Maybe I'm a too much of a prideful person, but I just can't see me ever wanting to appear on national TV and tell the whole world that my dick is broken. The Viagra people have even tapped the music catalog of national treasure (and former Gravy Storage Tank) Elvis Presley with the Viva Viagra ad campaign. I cringe every time I hear it. If admitting you have problems with your wedding tackle isn't bad enough, now we have aging baby boomers dancing around their suburban kitchen while a bad Elvis cover wails in the background. I don't think they make a pill that will cure someone of excessive lameness.
Name: Mr. Robert Smallwood
Affliction: Teeny Wanger Syndrome
Product:: Enzyte
These commercials are a double edged sword. On the one hand, the only thing that could be possibly worse than going on TV and admitting that you have ghonnaherpasyphilcrabaids, or going on TV and admitting your manhood is as hard as melted ice cream, would be going on TV and telling the entire world "I Have A Small Dick". There is no excuse for this (other than excessive Caucasianness, which also causes one to be unable to dance, unable to dunk, and insistence that Ray Ramano is a comedy God). With Herpes, you can be given it without knowing....excessive limp-dickedness can be caused by any number of health issues (but is still a comedy goldmine nonetheless), but having a Tiny Pecker is just jaw-droppingly hilarious.
Luckily, the makers of Enzyte decided to have a bit of fun with this, and created Bob, the Microscopic Dick Guy. Now, we don't know a lot about Bob...his job obviously takes him to the orient from time-to-time, and we know that he likes to play golf. Other than that, we know nothing about Bob...however, we do know that Bob is hung like a paper-clip. Not one of those big jumbo paper-clips you find on the top shelf in the office supply cabinet, but a really really SMALL paper-clip.
Then, by some miracle, Bob discovers Enzyte, which grows his Cocktail Wiener into a USDA certified Grade-A chunk of man-meat. Along with his throbbing schlong of manliness, the makers of Enzyte decided to give Bob a grin that should be reserved for walking into a hotel room and finding Carmen Electra, Shakira, and Gwen Stefani naked and covered in Caramel. Where was I? Wait, lemme just savor that image for a second....ok....anyway, yea, Bob's got a big ass grin. Try and keep track of the number of not-quite-subtle Dick references in the commercial.
So remember kids...no matter how crappy your McJob might be, at least you aren't on TV admitting that you're a total ho-bag whose cootchie is a Petrie Dish of STD cultures, or that you missed the train to Boner-ville...or even worse, you're hung ...like...well....a White Guy.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Bad Blogger, No Pizza
Sorry I haven't blogged in a while (well ok, in about a month and a half). I've had a lot going on recently, I'm headed back to college in the fall to finish up my bachelor's (which is ironic since I'm pretty much not a bachelor anymore...**kiss** love ya baby!). On top of that, I've kinda been looking for a new job, plus the weather is nice now, so I'm spending more time outside, working on the yard, working in the garage, on the house, and detailing the car.
But good stuff is coming, the sordid tale of a car sales girl almost flirting me out of $40,000, the summer I drank WAAAY too much Coke in hopes of winning an Ecto-mobile, and a brief preview of the the Pimp-Mobile.
But good stuff is coming, the sordid tale of a car sales girl almost flirting me out of $40,000, the summer I drank WAAAY too much Coke in hopes of winning an Ecto-mobile, and a brief preview of the the Pimp-Mobile.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Now You're....Eating Breakfast With Power?
OK, I'll fully admit it, in my younger days, I was quite the geek. Nowhere near the smooth player I am today. When I was 14, my life consisted solely of Nintendo and Friday After Dark on Cinemax. I was about 50 pounds overweight, so that precluded me actually being with a woman. I didn't have much interest in sports, so going to High School Basketball Games an exercise in tedium, and all of my friends lived on the opposite side of town, out of range of what my parents considered "acceptable bike riding distance", so I had Nintendo and Cable-Pseudo-Porn to keep me happy.
Whereas Cinemax was strictly relegated to late Friday nights, Nintendo was available 24/7 to keep me interested. And during times when I couldn't actually play Nintendo, I could read Nintendo Power Magazine, or talk about Nintendo on the phone with my fellow NES Addicts. But despite all of this, I still felt like something was....missing. Sure, lunchtime gave me my NES Fix by leafing through Nintendo Power Magazine with Mike and Matt at the lunch table. Dinner time was family time in my house where we discussed how our days went (and I imagined playing Nintendo when I was done eating dinner)....but there was something missing at Breakfast.
Lo and Behold, the answer was delivered to me one afternoon while watching Captain N: The Game Master (more on this later). During a commercial break, I became aware of a new product on my grocery store shelves that I just had to have. Nintendo CEREAL System. See, it's not just a box of arbitrary shapes with otherworldly colors...this wasn't Fruit Loops, or Captain Crunch, those were just a plain "boxes of cereal", this my friends, was a CEREAL SYSTEM.
There were two different cereals IN ONE BOX. I could choose between Super Mario Brothers or Legend of Zelda cereal. Or, I could really go for broke and enjoy a 10 years early version of Super Smash Brothers by mixing BOTH sides of Nintendo Cereal System in one bowl. It's like "Fun" ceased to be a concept and instead became a woman who looked like a cross between Pamela Anderson and 2001 era Britney Spears. And she showed up at my door in the middle of the night naked....with a Bottle Of Rum, a Papa John's Pizza, and the Die Hard boxed set.
Of course, now that I'm a jaded adult, it's obvious this is nothing more than one more attempt at a corporate cash-in. For those of you who weren't living the NES Lifestyle, but 1989, Nintendo pretty much owned a large percentage of the world (kind of like AOL-TimeWarner does today). I still remember ads in Nintendo Power Magazine for everything from Mario Soap (and really, looking back on it, does slathering your naked body with the liquid from a fat Italian Plumber bother anybody else, or is it just me) to Legend Of Zelda wall-clings. While I was in the full grips of Nintendo Mania, I never had the Mario Sheets....opting instead for Ghostbusters Sheets (complete with glow-in-the-dark Ghostbuster Logos on the pillow cases).
So, on the next trip to the grocery store, I went with my parents. While they seemed at first confused by my desire to go grocery shopping, they soon realized this had nothing to do with "family togetherness" and instead was a means to furthering my agenda. I had to have The Nintendo Cereal System. I waited patiently while we walked down produce aisles (broccoli didn't interest me that much then, and to be honest, it holds even less interest for me today).
After what seemed like forever, finally, the glorious cereal aisle became our target. In the land of cereals, my parents always had a strict "No Sugared Cereal" rule. My bowl was never adorned with the likes of Captain Crunch, or Coco Pebbles in the morning. Corn Flakes took the place of Frosted Flakes, and my mom was convinced that Cookie Crisp (or any "Marshmallowed" cereals) were the work of Satan Himself.
Unable to contain myself, I dashed ahead of my parents as they tried to decide if we needed Cheerios or Rice Krispies (plain....no Coco Krispies dared enter our home) and began my search. Apple Jacks, Alpha-Bits (do they even still make these?). Finally, my young eyes spied a black box that I didn't immediately recognize as one of the cereal aisle regulars. There it was in all of it's sugary glorious splendor. Nintendo Cereal System. Angles shone their light upon me.
I grabbed the box off the shelf and high-tailed it back to my parents’ cart. "Mom, dad, check this out....NINTENDO CEREAL!". They looked at me like I had just drug the body of a dead alien out of the closet. Noticing the pleading look in my eyes, I guess they decided that it was only a matter of time before I could no longer be enslaved by Kix and Corn Flakes, and decided that ONE BOX of a sugary commercial-tie-in cereal couldn't POSSIBLY hurt. "Fine, put it in the cart".
The next morning, I woke up and ran downstairs, eager to enjoy my breakfast treasure. I was sure that just eating this would make me a better video game player. It had to. After all, it was Video Games....FOR BREAKFAST! I would be consuming the very essence of Nintendo. Now I'm eating breakfast with POWER! But first, a decision had to be made, do I enjoy the Mario Side first, or the Zelda Side first? I had no precedent on which to base my decision. Finally, I decided the only way to be fair was to have a small bowl of each.
So I opened Mario Side first. It was advertised as being "fruit" flavored. The shapes were vaguely Mario-esque. I dunked my spoon and took a bite. The chorus of angels began and sing and.....and.....ummmmmm, eh, it was decent enough.
Undaunted, I finished the bowl, and poured myself a bit of the Zelda side. The shapes were vaguely Zelda-esque. Maybe eating the Zelda prepared your body to receive the Holy Blessing Of Video Game Mastery that had to come from consuming Nintendo Cereal. My arms had goose bumps anticipating what was awaiting me. I crunched down. Strange. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that wasn't much difference between the Mario "Fruit" side and the Zelda "Berry" side as far as taste goes.
But nevertheless, I now had a belly fully of sugary Nintendo Goodness. I quickly retreated up to my bedroom and turned on my NES, hoping against hope that my game had improved. I threw a copy of Bionic Commando into my NES, clicked the power button on, and waited for the familiar Capcom logo. I then shut the NES off, removed the game, blew into it's open end, re-inserted it, and was greeted with Capcom's logo.
Alas, no video game magic awaited me. I still sucked at Bionic Commando just as much as I had the night before. Oh well, live and learn I suppose. Over the next year, I was treated to two or three more boxes of Nintendo Cereal System, my game never advanced (though my belt-size did). The taste wasn't horrible, but I'm sure if the box had advertised Popples, or Wuzzles, or any other girlee characters, I would have derided it as tasting crap soaked in crap, but because it was Nintendo, that made it taste better. Damn those marketing people are geniuses.
Whereas Cinemax was strictly relegated to late Friday nights, Nintendo was available 24/7 to keep me interested. And during times when I couldn't actually play Nintendo, I could read Nintendo Power Magazine, or talk about Nintendo on the phone with my fellow NES Addicts. But despite all of this, I still felt like something was....missing. Sure, lunchtime gave me my NES Fix by leafing through Nintendo Power Magazine with Mike and Matt at the lunch table. Dinner time was family time in my house where we discussed how our days went (and I imagined playing Nintendo when I was done eating dinner)....but there was something missing at Breakfast.
Lo and Behold, the answer was delivered to me one afternoon while watching Captain N: The Game Master (more on this later). During a commercial break, I became aware of a new product on my grocery store shelves that I just had to have. Nintendo CEREAL System. See, it's not just a box of arbitrary shapes with otherworldly colors...this wasn't Fruit Loops, or Captain Crunch, those were just a plain "boxes of cereal", this my friends, was a CEREAL SYSTEM.
There were two different cereals IN ONE BOX. I could choose between Super Mario Brothers or Legend of Zelda cereal. Or, I could really go for broke and enjoy a 10 years early version of Super Smash Brothers by mixing BOTH sides of Nintendo Cereal System in one bowl. It's like "Fun" ceased to be a concept and instead became a woman who looked like a cross between Pamela Anderson and 2001 era Britney Spears. And she showed up at my door in the middle of the night naked....with a Bottle Of Rum, a Papa John's Pizza, and the Die Hard boxed set.
Of course, now that I'm a jaded adult, it's obvious this is nothing more than one more attempt at a corporate cash-in. For those of you who weren't living the NES Lifestyle, but 1989, Nintendo pretty much owned a large percentage of the world (kind of like AOL-TimeWarner does today). I still remember ads in Nintendo Power Magazine for everything from Mario Soap (and really, looking back on it, does slathering your naked body with the liquid from a fat Italian Plumber bother anybody else, or is it just me) to Legend Of Zelda wall-clings. While I was in the full grips of Nintendo Mania, I never had the Mario Sheets....opting instead for Ghostbusters Sheets (complete with glow-in-the-dark Ghostbuster Logos on the pillow cases).
So, on the next trip to the grocery store, I went with my parents. While they seemed at first confused by my desire to go grocery shopping, they soon realized this had nothing to do with "family togetherness" and instead was a means to furthering my agenda. I had to have The Nintendo Cereal System. I waited patiently while we walked down produce aisles (broccoli didn't interest me that much then, and to be honest, it holds even less interest for me today).
After what seemed like forever, finally, the glorious cereal aisle became our target. In the land of cereals, my parents always had a strict "No Sugared Cereal" rule. My bowl was never adorned with the likes of Captain Crunch, or Coco Pebbles in the morning. Corn Flakes took the place of Frosted Flakes, and my mom was convinced that Cookie Crisp (or any "Marshmallowed" cereals) were the work of Satan Himself.
Unable to contain myself, I dashed ahead of my parents as they tried to decide if we needed Cheerios or Rice Krispies (plain....no Coco Krispies dared enter our home) and began my search. Apple Jacks, Alpha-Bits (do they even still make these?). Finally, my young eyes spied a black box that I didn't immediately recognize as one of the cereal aisle regulars. There it was in all of it's sugary glorious splendor. Nintendo Cereal System. Angles shone their light upon me.
I grabbed the box off the shelf and high-tailed it back to my parents’ cart. "Mom, dad, check this out....NINTENDO CEREAL!". They looked at me like I had just drug the body of a dead alien out of the closet. Noticing the pleading look in my eyes, I guess they decided that it was only a matter of time before I could no longer be enslaved by Kix and Corn Flakes, and decided that ONE BOX of a sugary commercial-tie-in cereal couldn't POSSIBLY hurt. "Fine, put it in the cart".
The next morning, I woke up and ran downstairs, eager to enjoy my breakfast treasure. I was sure that just eating this would make me a better video game player. It had to. After all, it was Video Games....FOR BREAKFAST! I would be consuming the very essence of Nintendo. Now I'm eating breakfast with POWER! But first, a decision had to be made, do I enjoy the Mario Side first, or the Zelda Side first? I had no precedent on which to base my decision. Finally, I decided the only way to be fair was to have a small bowl of each.
So I opened Mario Side first. It was advertised as being "fruit" flavored. The shapes were vaguely Mario-esque. I dunked my spoon and took a bite. The chorus of angels began and sing and.....and.....ummmmmm, eh, it was decent enough.
Undaunted, I finished the bowl, and poured myself a bit of the Zelda side. The shapes were vaguely Zelda-esque. Maybe eating the Zelda prepared your body to receive the Holy Blessing Of Video Game Mastery that had to come from consuming Nintendo Cereal. My arms had goose bumps anticipating what was awaiting me. I crunched down. Strange. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that wasn't much difference between the Mario "Fruit" side and the Zelda "Berry" side as far as taste goes.
But nevertheless, I now had a belly fully of sugary Nintendo Goodness. I quickly retreated up to my bedroom and turned on my NES, hoping against hope that my game had improved. I threw a copy of Bionic Commando into my NES, clicked the power button on, and waited for the familiar Capcom logo. I then shut the NES off, removed the game, blew into it's open end, re-inserted it, and was greeted with Capcom's logo.
Alas, no video game magic awaited me. I still sucked at Bionic Commando just as much as I had the night before. Oh well, live and learn I suppose. Over the next year, I was treated to two or three more boxes of Nintendo Cereal System, my game never advanced (though my belt-size did). The taste wasn't horrible, but I'm sure if the box had advertised Popples, or Wuzzles, or any other girlee characters, I would have derided it as tasting crap soaked in crap, but because it was Nintendo, that made it taste better. Damn those marketing people are geniuses.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
I Think I Just Had A Moviegasm
I was talking my friend (and fellow movie fanatic) up in Chicago yesterday (come on, do you really think I'm going to spend a beautiful warm sunny Friday afternoon WORKING when I'm at the office?). The subject turned to upcoming movies (as it always does with us) and we've both agreed this summer looks fantastic at the theater. If anyone is looking for me between Memorial Day and Labor Day, chances are good you'll find me at the 13-24 Drive In. I'll be the big dopey guy in the yellow car (bumper sticker: Ask Me About My Overcompensation) with a disproportionately hot young brunette riding shotgun.
Anyway, this blog entry is for my readers, as well as me...it's a rundown on all the goodness that is to come our way this summer.
Iron Man
2 May, 2008
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
22 May, 2008
You Don't Mess With The Zohan
6 June, 2008
The Incredible Hulk
13 June, 2008
Get Smart
20 June, 2008
Wanted
27 June, 2008
Hancock
2 July, 2008
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
11 July, 2008
The Dark Knight
18 July, 2008
I will post new updates to other movies that are on the Must See list this summer, but which don't have Official Previews out yet (yea, I'm lookin' at you X-Files 2!), and will also review some of these movies as I see them.
Oh, and if the car is rockin' during intermission at the drive-in, please wait before you knock on my window.
Anyway, this blog entry is for my readers, as well as me...it's a rundown on all the goodness that is to come our way this summer.
Iron Man
2 May, 2008
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull
22 May, 2008
You Don't Mess With The Zohan
6 June, 2008
The Incredible Hulk
13 June, 2008
Get Smart
20 June, 2008
Wanted
27 June, 2008
Hancock
2 July, 2008
Hellboy 2: The Golden Army
11 July, 2008
The Dark Knight
18 July, 2008
I will post new updates to other movies that are on the Must See list this summer, but which don't have Official Previews out yet (yea, I'm lookin' at you X-Files 2!), and will also review some of these movies as I see them.
Oh, and if the car is rockin' during intermission at the drive-in, please wait before you knock on my window.
Friday, March 7, 2008
You Vill Haff Comcast Un You Vill LIKE IT!
So recently, Comcast decided to play [i]Cloverfield[/i] monster to Insights Terrified New York Resident in my home town. We first hear about this in December with a letter from Comcast warning us impending doom, but making it sound like it was a great thing they were dropping on us. I double checked the envelope, but apparently they opted to not send a free kitten to every subscriber.
Well, they assured us the transition would be neigh-on-seemless. The invasion was set to begin at midnight this past Sunday (which, I know, is technically Monday....but like the rest of the world, I could 12:00 AM as the Day Ending, the day begins at 12:01 AM....oh, you don't agree? You're probably one of those freaks that celebrated the new millenium on 1/1/01 aren't you).
So I wake up Monday morning, check my E-mail....nothing. I log into the "bus" (my favorite website in the whole world), nothing coming up. Of course, my service is borked.
I unplug the modem, go outside for a cigarette, come back in in, plug the modem back in, and reboot the computer. Nothing. Unsatisfied and crabby (as I usually am on Monday mornings anyway), I unplug the modem again, and shut down my ancient PC.
On my lunch break, I plug everything back in, boot it all back up, and much to my surprise, it works. Hmmmm, maybe our new Comcast Overlords will love me after all.
After work that day, I bring my laptop home with me, and try to connect with it. No dice. I call our new Internet Overlords, but am unable to get through right away. On my 5th attempt, I finally make contact with Their Lordships.
Evil Midnight Blogger: "My second IP isn't working"
Evil Internet Overlords: "It's not?"
EMB: "Nope, was working fine last night, not working today"
EIO: "Well, they are having some issues in your area, it should be fine by tomorrow"
Satiated, I hang up the phone. Tuesday comes and goes, but I have more important things to do rather than check my work E-mail that night (that belly-button lint isn't going to pick itself you know).
Wednesday afternoon, I decide to work from home, I take my laptop home, hook it up, and....nothing....no connection for me. I call Comcast back, and am now told by a different Phone Voice that Comcast does not offer the ability to purchase a second IP Address, and that if I want to run two computers at home and have them both tapped in to Comcasts Orgasmically Wonderful Internet Service, I have to go buy a router.
When I mention that I'm paying for an additional IP, The Phone Voice offers to connect me with Billing. She hits a few button on her phone, tells me they will be right with me, and promptly disconnects my call. So now, I have to call them BACK, and argue with Billing. I can just see how well THAT fight is going to go.
Then, I have to go buy a Router (no big deal for sure, but I can think of better ways to spent $50 then on a piece of equipment for my network to make it operate the exact same way it did LAST WEEK. If I'm droppin' that kinda scratch, I want something to work better.
But at least I'll once again be able to "work from home" (which means monitoring my work E-mail while I surf porn sites and play WoW all afternoon)
Well, they assured us the transition would be neigh-on-seemless. The invasion was set to begin at midnight this past Sunday (which, I know, is technically Monday....but like the rest of the world, I could 12:00 AM as the Day Ending, the day begins at 12:01 AM....oh, you don't agree? You're probably one of those freaks that celebrated the new millenium on 1/1/01 aren't you).
So I wake up Monday morning, check my E-mail....nothing. I log into the "bus" (my favorite website in the whole world), nothing coming up. Of course, my service is borked.
I unplug the modem, go outside for a cigarette, come back in in, plug the modem back in, and reboot the computer. Nothing. Unsatisfied and crabby (as I usually am on Monday mornings anyway), I unplug the modem again, and shut down my ancient PC.
On my lunch break, I plug everything back in, boot it all back up, and much to my surprise, it works. Hmmmm, maybe our new Comcast Overlords will love me after all.
After work that day, I bring my laptop home with me, and try to connect with it. No dice. I call our new Internet Overlords, but am unable to get through right away. On my 5th attempt, I finally make contact with Their Lordships.
Evil Midnight Blogger: "My second IP isn't working"
Evil Internet Overlords: "It's not?"
EMB: "Nope, was working fine last night, not working today"
EIO: "Well, they are having some issues in your area, it should be fine by tomorrow"
Satiated, I hang up the phone. Tuesday comes and goes, but I have more important things to do rather than check my work E-mail that night (that belly-button lint isn't going to pick itself you know).
Wednesday afternoon, I decide to work from home, I take my laptop home, hook it up, and....nothing....no connection for me. I call Comcast back, and am now told by a different Phone Voice that Comcast does not offer the ability to purchase a second IP Address, and that if I want to run two computers at home and have them both tapped in to Comcasts Orgasmically Wonderful Internet Service, I have to go buy a router.
When I mention that I'm paying for an additional IP, The Phone Voice offers to connect me with Billing. She hits a few button on her phone, tells me they will be right with me, and promptly disconnects my call. So now, I have to call them BACK, and argue with Billing. I can just see how well THAT fight is going to go.
Then, I have to go buy a Router (no big deal for sure, but I can think of better ways to spent $50 then on a piece of equipment for my network to make it operate the exact same way it did LAST WEEK. If I'm droppin' that kinda scratch, I want something to work better.
But at least I'll once again be able to "work from home" (which means monitoring my work E-mail while I surf porn sites and play WoW all afternoon)
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