3 Worst Jobs In TV Advertising

A couple weeks ago, SWMBO and I were watching TV. During the commercial break we started snarking some of the ads (gimme a break, it was raining outside and there wasn't anything else on). We got to talking about the people they hire to star in commercials, and decided that there were three people we would never be on television, no matter how much money they threw at us.

Well ok, fine, I'll be honest, we only identified two, but my OCD will now allow me to compose a list with less than three members. Are you satisfied now? Can I continue? Thank you!

Name: Ms. Ima Nastyho
Affliction: Herpes...the gift that keeps on givin'
Product:: Valtrex
I'm not quite sure why Ms. Nastyho is starring in a commercial for Valtrex. It should be obvious to her that nobody watches commercials...otherwise a 30 second Trojan spot could have saved her a lot of trouble. Of course, she would also not be gainfully employed as The Herpes Girl, and would instead have to spend her days collecting "Friends With Benefits" from the McDonalds Drive-Thru.

Before I'm hunted down with pitchforks from the Feminazi's of the world, maybe she isn't a total ho who stacks club-douches up like pancakes...maybe a previous boyfriend/husband couldn't keep it in his pants and brought something home to her. If that is the case, maybe a 30 second commercial for The Kama Sutra could have helped keep her man from running astray?





Name: Mr. Richard Flacidstein
Affliction: Erectile Dysfunction....can't quite get the li'l soldier to salute
Product:: Viagra/Cialis

Long gone are the days of Presidential Hopeful Bob Dole getting on TV telling all the world that he had trouble getting....little Dole....to salute. Too bad Bill Clinton didn't have the same problem. These days, men are almost proud to go on TV admit that they too just can't quite get the clock to move past 6:30 (think about it).

Maybe I'm a too much of a prideful person, but I just can't see me ever wanting to appear on national TV and tell the whole world that my dick is broken. The Viagra people have even tapped the music catalog of national treasure (and former Gravy Storage Tank) Elvis Presley with the Viva Viagra ad campaign. I cringe every time I hear it. If admitting you have problems with your wedding tackle isn't bad enough, now we have aging baby boomers dancing around their suburban kitchen while a bad Elvis cover wails in the background. I don't think they make a pill that will cure someone of excessive lameness.




Name: Mr. Robert Smallwood
Affliction: Teeny Wanger Syndrome
Product:: Enzyte

These commercials are a double edged sword. On the one hand, the only thing that could be possibly worse than going on TV and admitting that you have ghonnaherpasyphilcrabaids, or going on TV and admitting your manhood is as hard as melted ice cream, would be going on TV and telling the entire world "I Have A Small Dick". There is no excuse for this (other than excessive Caucasianness, which also causes one to be unable to dance, unable to dunk, and insistence that Ray Ramano is a comedy God). With Herpes, you can be given it without knowing....excessive limp-dickedness can be caused by any number of health issues (but is still a comedy goldmine nonetheless), but having a Tiny Pecker is just jaw-droppingly hilarious.

Luckily, the makers of Enzyte decided to have a bit of fun with this, and created Bob, the Microscopic Dick Guy. Now, we don't know a lot about Bob...his job obviously takes him to the orient from time-to-time, and we know that he likes to play golf. Other than that, we know nothing about Bob...however, we do know that Bob is hung like a paper-clip. Not one of those big jumbo paper-clips you find on the top shelf in the office supply cabinet, but a really really SMALL paper-clip.

Then, by some miracle, Bob discovers Enzyte, which grows his Cocktail Wiener into a USDA certified Grade-A chunk of man-meat. Along with his throbbing schlong of manliness, the makers of Enzyte decided to give Bob a grin that should be reserved for walking into a hotel room and finding Carmen Electra, Shakira, and Gwen Stefani naked and covered in Caramel. Where was I? Wait, lemme just savor that image for a second....ok....anyway, yea, Bob's got a big ass grin. Try and keep track of the number of not-quite-subtle Dick references in the commercial.





So remember kids...no matter how crappy your McJob might be, at least you aren't on TV admitting that you're a total ho-bag whose cootchie is a Petrie Dish of STD cultures, or that you missed the train to Boner-ville...or even worse, you're hung ...like...well....a White Guy.