In addition to Italian Food, I'm also a huge fan of Mongolian BBQ Style cooking. BD's Mongolian BBQ and Flat-top Grill are two favorites that come to mind. I love the diversity there, you can pretty much get anything you want, any style of food you can possibly imagine. It's like Disneyland for Fat People.
But every now and then, I get a craving for something that a $25 plate of Sirloin Marsala, a side order of grilled Bruschette, and a glass of sweet red wine just can't satisfy. This is when the unsophisticated pallet kicks into high gear and the only thing that will make me happy is "Dirty Food" that most people wouldn't touch in a million years.
My favorite place to eat breakfast is a small hole-in-the-wall bar that sits in the shadow of the old Delco Electronics Plant-1 Admin Building called "Stella's Lounge". During the week, when I have a day off, I usually start it there, and start it with a plate full of greasy goodness. A sausage patty as thick as any hamburger you can get, scrambled eggs, and highly processed American Cheese sandwiched in between two buttered slices of Whole Wheat Toast. Not being satisfied with this, and figuring "If I'm gonna die from a heart attack damn it, I at least want to go happy" I also buy a companion for my greasy sloppy breakfast sandwich…and the companion is a monster portion of crispy hashbrowns drowned out in Stella's home-made white gravy. Pay no attention to the congealed grease cooling on the edge of the plate, it's there for decoration. Speaking of decoration, no trip to Stella's for breakfast would be complete without the bar-maiden who serves it up to me. You all know the type too…omnipresent cigarette in her mouth, tattoo on her left sweater-kitten, and the inability to refrain from calling every guy in the bar "Sweetie" or "Hun". The Big-Screen TV is always tuned to The Weather Channel, and the usual cast of characters is sitting around the bar chain smoking, getting drunk at 8 a.m., telling dirty jokes, and arguing plot lines from 20 year old episodes of Magnum PI…..it's just like Thanksgiving at Mom's House!
Once I get home, and throw my clothes in the washing machine (mandatory unless you want to walk around smelling like a bar all day), my day is perfect, my belly is happy, and my cholesterol is spiking. Life is good.
Occasionally though, I get the "dirty food" feeling at times other than breakfast. I used to be able to satiate this with a trip to Hardee's and their Gastrointestinal Weapon Of Mass Destruction known as the Philly Cheese Steak Thickburger. If this burger were an abusive spouse and gave me a black eye, I love it so much that I'd just tell my friends "I'm clumsy and ran into a door, it was my fault, she really does love me, I just make her angry sometimes". You start with a 1/3 pound angus burger patty, then on top of that was melted cheese, shredded steak (yes, that's right…actual steak on top of a hamburger), onions, green-peppers, and mushrooms, and another layer of cheese, all in between a thick burger-bun. Whoever said you can't buy love obviously never took $6.95 to the Hardee's Drive-Thru.
MMMmmm, now that IS a Tasty Burger!
However, Hardee's decided that they had to stop selling this burger (which is good because I was starting to write letters to them demanding they re-name it "The Philly Cheese Steak Crack-Burger"), so I was left with a dirty-food void in my life.
However, one sunny Sunday afternoon, I stopped by the Circle-K Gas Station down the street from my church to buy a Coke, and was greeted with a most wonderful aroma. What delicious food was causing my brain to explode into stomach-growling fireworks? I quickly scanned the gas station, and there, on top of the roller-grill, I fell in lust with the Mistress Of The Gas Station. The Queen-Hooker of all Dirty-Foods. The Jalapeño Cheddar Dog! Impossible! It's a hot dog (hot dogs are a great staple of the Dirty-Food lifestyle), stuffed with diced Jalapeño Peppers, and little chunks of melted Cheddar Cheese.
Where the Good Stuff lives
Unable to stop myself, I purchased one, fully expecting to be disappointed. There is no way in the world that this will taste anywhere near as good as it sounds. I got home, carefully unwrapped my prize, and cautiously bit into it. Wow! It was like the hot dog declared a Jihad in my mouth and my taste-buds were the Infidel! My tongue burned, my eyes watered, and my heart packed it's bags and walked out the door (Dear Greg: You are an insensitive bastard. You don't care about me. All you do is hurt me, and I can't be in this relationship anymore. I'm off to find someone who isn't going pack me with Processed Meat-Grease. I hope you burn in hell. Love, Your Heart).
Behold the Glory!
From that day, the Jalapeño Cheddar Dog because a staple in my diet. However, as time went on, I began to realize that I needed to change my eating habits. I looked at a picture a friend of mine had taken at a car show where I was standing next to a car. As I looked at that picture, I began to realize that there was no way in the world I could ever be a Duke, because I wasn't going to be able to stuff my Krispy Kreme Laden Ass through the window of any car. So then and there I decided to change my gluttonous ways.
However, being Greg, which means I'm no saint, I still enjoy the occasional trip to Stella's Lounge, and the occasional Jalapeño Cheddar-Dog, but I have cut these items down to once every 2 or 3 months. For the most part, my dietary staples are now Slim Fast Shakes, Lite English Muffins, and Lean Cuisine Frozen Panini. While I may not always like my limited diet choices, the 170 pounds I've lost makes missing my favorite greasy loved-ones all the more bittersweet.
In Memorial: My Disgusting Fatness. 1974 - 2007
1 comment:
sounds better than kfc thats for sure
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